


New Life

by Blue_Night



Category: Men's Football RPF, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Breakup, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hope, M/M, Moving On, New love, Self-Discovery, Starting Anew, mentioning of severe abuse, past abusive relationship, struggles and doubts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-21 17:41:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18145364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Night/pseuds/Blue_Night
Summary: Marco has lived in an abusive relationship with a depressive partner for years, and when his lover breaks up with him out of the blue, Marco has to find a way to move on.





	New Life

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GoForGoals](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoForGoals/gifts), [Luciferieee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luciferieee/gifts), [mariothellama](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariothellama/gifts).



> For you, my friends. I wouldn't have made it through the last weeks and months without you. You know what this is about. It's my birthday tomorrow and I felt the need to get this off my chest. It's so much worse when kids are involved, but hope is the last thing to die after all, hope that things will be better again one day. Thank you for everything you're doing for me, my friends, I'm so grateful that I have you. <33

It's a cold but sunny winter day when Marco's world crushes down on him, the life he knew ending with a big bang within barely more than an hour.

He's sitting there, listening to the words of the therapist, feeling like a stranger in his own body, and all he can do is nod to everything she tells him while he's staring at the man he's shared his best years with – the man he promised to go through thick and thin with him, to stay at his side in good and bad times for the rest of their lives.

They'd never made it official, never could make it official because of his profession, but for Marco the promise he'd given the other man was as binding as if he'd shouted it from the roof tops of the city.

There had been a lot of bad times over the last years – a whole lot more bad times than good times actually – but the last months and weeks had given Marco the faint hope that the good times would finally come back to them. They'd gotten along with each other so much better over the last couple of months – _he_ 'd finally been willing to acknowledge his severe depression and do something against it, and Marco had nursed the hope that the man he still felt bound to despite all of their problems would eventually start to heal and become the man again Marco had once fallen in love with.

It had been a foolish hope as he realizes now, every word coming out of the therapist's mouth hitting him like the hard blows of a long whip. Words that make Marco think that he's trapped in a horrible bad dream he cannot wake up from, no matter how hard he tries to do so.

The man he thought to know – the man he's pretty damn sure that he still knows _him_ better than anybody else does, especially this woman who has fallen for _his_ lies and twisted reality so easily – just looks back at him with tears in _his_ eyes and without saying anything, leaving it up to that woman to tell Marco that it's over and that _he_ 's leaving him.

Marco swallows down the disgust, hurt and betrayal he's feeling and he nods again, wondering briefly why his voice is sounding so calm and reasonable when he's finally allowed to say something of his own, even though anything he might want to say to justify himself will be in vain anyway. It's always the depressives being considered the poor ones and the victims in the terrible mess they turn their lives into because of this horrible disease. It's never the relatives, partners, children or friends, even though they oftentimes suffer so much more than the sick ones actually do.

Marco feels like a puppet on a string as he nods and agrees to everything the therapist says and wants him to do to make it easier for _him_ to leave Marco, his mind totally blank and spinning with too many questions at the same time, and he wants to scream and shout why she doesn't want to see the truth – the truth that her patient she thinks that she must protect him at all costs is not the only victim here. _He_ 's the victim of _his_ depression, yes - but _he_ 's also a cruel and merciless perpetrator, the one who abused Marco in the most horrible way for years, until Marco eventually started to believe that he deserved all of the bad and horrifying things that were done to him because he was a complete failure and the reason for all of _his_ misery.

The sun is still shining when Marco steps out of the building on shaky legs, feeling numb and paralyzed, and he thinks that it must be the harsh wind forming hot tears in his stinging eyes and on his cold cheeks when he walks over to his car like a sleepwalker, feeling the eyes of the man he'd once trusted with his life burning a hole in his back.

 

***

 

Life goes on, of course it does.

Not the life Marco had known for so many years, and he needs all of his strength to meander his way through the maze of the new life that replaced his old one so cruelly and unexpectedly, finding himself stuck in another impasse many times. He always goes back to the crossing where he'd taken the wrong way, and it takes even more of the little strength that's left in him, but Marco doesn't give up, determined to find the right way out of the maze and not to let the man who'd once been the most important part of his life destroy him completely.

Marco hasn't survived years of abuse just to give up now, dark years of constant manipulation, terror, self-doubts and guilt, and he feels like being able to breathe without fear for the first time in a very long time. But his new life is also pretty scary and threatening oftentimes, confusing and difficult to adjust to, even though he's finally free to live it the way he wants to live it without having to justify himself for every single thing he does. The dark shadow of the other one's depression is still clouding the blue sky way too often, and Marco is tossing and turning in his bed during far too many sleepless nights, trying to understand what isn't understandable at all.

It's slowly getting better when time passes on, his exhausted body and mind succumbing to sleep at last. Marco takes deep breaths and begins to bring order into the chaos _he_ 'd left when _he_ walked out of Marco's life as if _he_ 'd never truly loved him, talking excitedly about _his_ new home and _his_ own new life on the phone the few times they're actually talking face to face or ear to ear instead of just sending short and meaningless messages via WhatsApp.

Marco's also starting to make plans for his own new life after some weeks have passed, and he's amazed and deeply touched about the love, friendship and support he's getting from his family, from his friends and even from people he'd never have thought to get help from them, their kind words of encouragement and understanding helping him to move on and try harder to make his way through the huge maze when all he wants to do is to curl himself up in his bed and cry.

Sometimes Marco truly wonders why he hasn't become depressive himself, why the sun is still shining brightly for him and why the sky is still blue and not dark, but then he tells himself that some questions will never be answered, and that he should just be grateful for still being able to see and enjoy the beauty surrounding him.

 

***

 

Moving on is hard, and Marco feels lonely and uncertain a lot of times, wondering whether or not he'll ever find someone who will love him again.

Someone he can love and trust after having seen his love and trust for the man he wanted to spend his life with being destroyed in the worst way imaginable.

There's still this gap in Marco's life where _he_ 'd once been, lying and sleeping next to him, sitting opposite him at the breakfast table, making plans for their holidays and snuggling close to him on their couch while watching a movie. It's the little things Marco misses the most, like taking a walk and giggling about some stupid jokes together, sharing ice cream together or listening to the other one's calm breathing before falling asleep himself. Marco misses coming home to the warm golden glow of the lights behind the windows of their house on a long and dark winter evening, and he misses the touch of warm and tender hands and lips when he's feeling sick and hurting because of another injury.

There's still this void in his heart, the cold place where _his_ love had once warmed him from the inside – a lifetime ago - before _his_ depression turned his beloved one into this cold and hostile stranger, slowly suffocating the man Marco had once sworn to love until death would tear them apart. Sometimes death isn't the physical death of the body every living being has to face one final day, sometimes it's the death of the soul and the heart of someone while the body lives on, and Marco can't help but think that this is actually the worse way of dying.

People keep telling him how strong he is and that he will make it through this painful breakup and come out of it stronger than before, but sometimes Marco is so tired of being strong and positive all of the time, the expectations weighing so heavily on him almost crushing him like this one fateful hour in the clinic crushed him on that cold and sunny winter day.

He doesn't say anything though, just continues with what he's supposed to do, being the skilled footballer he is, the captain of his team, the leader, the friend, son and brother - and whatever people are seeing in him.

It's exhausting and rewarding at the same time, and Marco pushes the one thought he's afraid to think into the farthest corner of his mind with grim determination – the question if true love will ever find him again.

 

***

 

Time goes by and life goes on, and Marco slowly gets used to all the changes that come with living without _him_.

He's still feeling lonely and sad about his loss, especially when he's lying alone in his bed at night, but it's getting better, and he finds himself feeling content and even happy on a regular basis again, now that the years of abuse and darkness are slowly fading to a still pretty painful but more and more distant memory.

Marco doesn't need to explain himself when he wants to watch a special movie, no one's yelling at him for the way he's folding his laundry, and no one calls him bad names or tells him that he's an inept idiot every day – or that he's responsible for another one's complete misery because of his mere existence. He can see his family and friends without having to fear hours of screaming and arguments afterwards, and he can finally be his true self after years of trying to be the 'perfect' man he wanted to be for _him_ without ever succeeding with that.

Marco still misses _him_ – the man he'd once been – but he's not missing the abuse and all the emotional blackmails and manipulations he'd had to face every single damn day. He finally stops questioning himself and every little thing he does like he did so many times back then, and he's not constantly injured any longer, his body finally starting to heal as much as his soul is starting to heal.

He's still longing for _him_ now and then, secretly fantasizing about getting back together with _him_ at times, and his heart is still missing a beat when _he_ 's calling him, but Marco knows that the chances that they can pick up where they'd left before things went downhill because of his depression are very, very small.

His family and friends don't grow tired of telling him that he's doing so much better without _him_ , and Marco knows that it's true, but leaving your old life behind - the only one you've known for so long - is not as easy as it seems to be, even when this old life mostly consisted of permanent abuse, his former lover's depression ruling Marco's every move and every thought twenty-four hours a day for far too long.

There's so much damage and destruction separating them, so much hurt and so many bad and unhealthy feelings between them, hate and anger where love and passion had once tied them together in what seems to be another lifetime, and Marco fears that trying to start anew will make them fall into old patterns again and destroy themselves in the process. He still has feelings for _him_ , and he still remembers the love they'd once shared, but he's lost his faith and trust in the other man, and love without trust is doomed to die and can never work, as sad as this painful truth might be.

 

***

 

It's a bright and warm sunny summer day when Marco runs into someone he hasn't seen for a long time by accident.

Erik smiles at him with crinkling eyes, and Marco smiles back, glad that life is still able to surprise him in a good way.

Marco spontaneously buys them two large coffees to go, and they stroll around through the city that has been Erik's home for such a long time as well, talking about football, their friends and the good old times, and they have dinner together after that, Marco's heart missing a beat when Erik tells him that he's coming back to Germany and that they can see each other more often again then.

They have always been close friends, and even the distance couldn't change that. Talking to Erik is so easy, and they're spending more and more time together over the following days and weeks, talking and sometimes just enjoying each other's company without having to say anything at all to feel close and comfortable.

It's on a Sunday afternoon and they've just made it back to Marco's place before a heavy thunderstorm is breaking loose when Erik sits down next to him on the couch, looking at him with rosy cheeks and sparkling eyes, and Marco just can't help it any longer, leaning in as their lips touch in a first soft and chaste kiss.

 

***

 

“Marco...” Erik breathes against his tingling mouth when they part again, and Marco buries his face in the warm crook of Erik's neck, a small sigh escaping his lips. “Erik...”

Erik waits patiently, carding his long elegant fingers through his hair without pushing him, and when Marco has worked up the courage to look at him again, he smiles at him and strokes his cheek, pulling him in to kiss the tears from his face.

Marco hadn't noticed that he'd started to cry, but Erik doesn't seem to mind his tears, gently kissing them away until their lips meet again, in a deep and passionate kiss this time. Erik tastes so sweet, of life, love and happiness, and Marco wants to drown in their kiss, to crawl under his skin and lose himself in the younger one's warmth and tenderness. Erik knows almost everything about his past, about his old life and all the abuse he went through, and Marco finally dares to believe that love might yet have found him again.

He'd almost forgotten that love can be sweet and warm and bright instead of dark and destroying and painful, and he feels like a man dying of thirst when he deepens their kiss to drink Erik's moans from his lips and explore his mouth with his tongue until they have to part for air. They make their way to the bedroom kissing and stroking each other, and Marco finds himself trembling with both hope and fear, hope that Erik's love is for real and fear that this is just a wishful dream he will wake up from soon enough.

“Let me love you, Marco, please let me show you how love can be,” Erik whispers when he presses him down onto the bed, and Marco pulls him over his aching body and lets him take the lead, Erik's love and passion washing his tears away.

They lie snuggled close under the covers hours later, Erik's head pillowed on Marco's shoulder and his fingers trailing tender patterns on his chest and his stomach. They don't talk, but they don't need to, and Marco feels loved and cherished like he'd thought that he would never feel again. He smiles into the darkness and kisses Erik's fragrant hair, pulling him close and relaxing into Erik's tender embrace and the warmth of his love.

Marco doesn't know what the future will bring, but he's not afraid of it any longer. His new life is still complicated and hard sometimes, the shadows of the past still darkening the blue sky and leaving him aching and longing for the life he once knew; but it's finally his own life and not the life of someone else he was forced to live for so long.

Wherever the path of fate will lead him, Marco will be ready and go there without any fear or doubts, and he will overcome every obstacle and never give up. He's loved and cherished, he knows that he has true friends he can always turn to when he'll need their help; and Marco falls asleep with Erik in his arms and a smile on his face, dreaming of the blue sky and the bright sun, of love, friendship and happiness.

His new life is a good one, and Marco will make the best out of it, now and every day in the future.


End file.
